Pride. And Shame.

Back when I was in second grade, I remember thinking I could be President of the United States. Our teacher, Mrs. Solomon, traced our profiles in silhouette for us on black construction paper. We then wrote out short essays on what we wanted to be when we grew up. At the time, my heroes were Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln; I wrote in wobbly pencil that I wanted to be “a poet and a vet and President of the United States” and glued it to my profile.

I remember showing this work to my father, who assured me that yes, I most certainly could be POTUS one day.  Why did he leave India and come to this country with his battered suitcase of ragged underwear, if not for that very reason? My mother kept the silhouette essay, along with every other artifact from my past, in an overstuffed file folder in the study, and as time passed, I forgot about it – and my overreaching, unrealistic ambition – entirely.

Until yesterday, when America elected Barack Obama as our 44th President.

I couldn’t be prouder to be an American citizen than I am today. For eight years, I have cringed at the incessant flag-waving and accusations of anti-patriotism and crazy people in souped-up pick-up trucks with decals of Calvin pissing on everything in sight and licenses to hunt terrorists. Now, for the first time in ages, I can wave a flag along with the rest of my fellow citizens in honor of life as an American and a citizen of the world. I can imagine children of all colors looking at this man – this dignified, proud, hopeful, intelligent, articulate, uplifting new leader of ours – and seeing the possibility that they too, can rise above and beyond.

And then there’s the pure unadulterated shame of being Alaskan. Oh, we’re independent, all right. We won’t vote for a black man, but we sure as hell don’t mind voting for a old white crook. Because right now, Senator Ted Stevens, our erstwhile I’m-Not-A-Convicted-Felon-Until-I’m-Sentenced Senator, is actually leading the race against our current Democratic mayor, Mark Begich. Right now, Congressman-in-Perpetuity Don Young has apparently defeated Ethan Berkowitz and will serve his NINETEENTH term in the U.S. House of Representatives. And right now, the prodigal daughter “Just Shut Up” Sarah Palin, cleared of ethics violations, is on her way home, where she will no doubt be welcomed with cheers and sympathy.

Yes, Alaskans have spoken loudly – as loudly as it’s possible to speak with your head wedged up your backside, anyway. Never mind that some of us are hoping “Convicted Felon International Airport” will convey a certain edgy cachet to our summer visitors.  Never mind how we are going to have to try, once again, to convince friends and families Outside that Alaska is not actually a national holding colony for the lunatic fringe. Never mind that the entire world thinks we are a bunch of ignorant louts, hicks and morons, and rightly so. We had a chance to do what the rest of the country did – clean house – and instead, we chose to continue rolling in the dirt.  Behind the guns, Carharrts and duct tape, we’re not independent at all; we’re as dependent as it gets, clinging desperately to the corrupt old geezers that keep us in pork.

I used to tell people Alaska was different.  Sure, people are a little odd and rough around the edges, but there’s a good clean romantic wholesomeness about it that the rest of America could use. Well, not any more. The Last Frontier? More like the Last Front. Turns out we’re not so different at all when it comes to greed, handouts, and big-level corruption. If anything, we’ve set a new standard for denial and self-deceit. And with a little funding, we can even dress ourselves up at fancy department stores so you can’t even tell us from the rest of you.

To vote in some real change here in Alaska – now THAT would be some independent thinking.  Looks like once again the rest of the country is way ahead of us.