“deep navel of Indian wives”

For those of you who don’t know how a WordPress blog works, neither do I, really. I mostly write and hit “Publish”; that’s the extent of my technical skills.

I only recently discovered that in a section of my personal “dashboard”, I actually can see all of the search terms that got people to this specific blog, intentionally or not – including the bizarre and inexplicable title of today’s post.

In the interest of showing how random a web search can be, I’d like to address a few of the more interesting ones, which I am quoting verbatim. Please don’t be embarrassed if you see yourself here. Whatever search gets you to my little corner of the internet, I’m grateful, even if it does involve the word “testicles.”

my brother is four can i use his urine

Um, NO. I think not. You cannot use his urine for anything, any time. Especially not when you’ve sneaked a swig out of Dad’s Blue Label Johnnie Walker and need to find something yellow to replace it pronto. And if you’re looking to use his pee for your mandatory drug testing, forget it – the apple juice levels are a dead give-away.

husband wearing wife’s sari

Hmmm. I have a hard enough time getting him into my Spanx, but whatever.

how to make roast beef

This is a surprisingly common search, appearing at least twice a day. Sorry, I don’t actually know how to make roast beef, but if you’re Catholic, I can give you a hint.

i have no modesty at all

My advice: start your own blog, immediately.

story cousins boys enema

Okie-dokie. I certainly hope, with all my heart, that this was a deliberate search for my blog. There’s really no other reason to type out the words “enema” and “boy” in such close proximity, EVER.

looking to marry a girl who has psoriasis

Well, nuts. And all those times I left the words “flaky, itching, red skin” out of my physical description in the matrimonial ads. All I can say is sorry, sweetie, you’re twenty years too late.

funny constipation
diarrhea jokes
shit scoop

I see a definite feces theme here, don’t you?

child blender

They MAKE these? Oh my god, where can I get one, STAT?

picture of wife underarm hair

Sorry, dahlings, I don’t do publicity shots. Although as my sister said in a comment, it IS tres European…

disease that we can get to cockroach

This search has a certain desperate sincerity to it, though I’m not sure quite what it means. Does this person want to find a disease that we can pass on to cockroaches, perhaps chlamydia? Not a bad idea, actually. Or are they asking about diseases spread by roaches?

indian women and tight t-shirts

Busted again, honey. BTW, don’t forget to take out the trash tomorrow.