Some Alaskan things not considered.
September 18, 2008
I nearly crashed my car driving home from work today with the Bug when I caught this fabulous interview with Soldotna resident and hunting guide Joe Dilley on NPR’s “All Things Considered”:
I’m not sure which part of the interview I liked best. Was it when listeners could just about hear the interviewer gagging at the detailed description of how moose meat tastes best if left to rot grow a little white mold, which is then peeled off like the rind on brie? Mmm, mmm, good. Some things really should not be considered.
Or maybe it was Mr. Dilley’s uncanny moose call, which practically had urban moose jumping into my front seat and the Bug in tears of laughter.
No, wait: it definitely had to be when he stated, in all seriousness, that “the fun in moose hunting ends when you pull the trigger.” Now really, isn’t that just like a man?
I’m not out to dis moose hunters here. Not at all. I’ve eaten a mooseburger or two in my day. It’s just that the entire nation’s sudden focus on certain aspects of Alaska culture has made it clear just how desperate people are to know something – ANYTHING – about the state from which Sarah Palin (“Ha, liar. Snap!”) hails, as if a better understanding of how to imitate a lustful moose could help someone decide how to vote.
Yeah, some of it is just plain funny. Plus, some part of me wants to let the world know there’s more to life in Alaska than corruption and lying and backstabbing. There’s worse. For instance, honey buckets. And mosquitoes.
For a mild introduction to the outright wackiness of Alaska, check out the website of the sadly no-longer-in-business Fly-By-Nite Club, with their motto of “spam, booze, rhythm and blues”. You’ll learn that Alaska is second only to Hawai’i in spam consumption. (There’s a political message involving pork in there somewhere, but I’m damned if I know what it is.)
Spam® is like Alaska’s only Congressman Don Young. Everyone makes fun of him, but he always wins by a landslide even though no one will ever admit voting for him. That’s the story with Spam®. Nobody will admit eating it, but somebody is out there buying over 2,000 cans a day in Alaska.
That means SOME Alaskan out there is eating twice his or her share, because I won’t touch the fucking stuff. What’s that gelatinous congealed cat food glop when you first open the can? Maybe a little white mold action would improve its appeal.
More things to consider:
* Driving northward to Anchorage on the Seward Highway, you will see signs at the same location that direct you to one side for the Anchorage shooting range, and to the other for the wildlife viewing boardwalk. NRA left, Sierra Club right. Hmm, shouldn’t it be the other way around? And don’t you just love viewing wildlife within earshot of gunfire?
* Similarly, driving out of Anchorage northward toward Palinland, you will pass a sign that indicates the correctional facility is straight ahead, the campground to the right. Yeah, nothing says “summer fun” like camping in the shadow of a prison.
* These signs and most others on long drives are usually shot full of holes, because that’s what the Second Amendment is all about: “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms and to shoot up highway signs shall not be infringed.” Next thing you know, we’ll have a Sign Control Board and a referendum on aerial hunting of stop signs.
* The first 30 minutes of parking at the Defendant-Formerly-Known-As-Ted-Stevens International Airport is free. That’s right, FREE. Meanwhile, at Logan Airport in Boston, you pay $5 in time increments based on a hummingbird’s heartbeat. They’re probably charging you right now. Also in Anchorage, if you have a dog in your car, the person taking your ticket at the exit booth gives you a dog biscuit. Well, not you, your dog.
What, you don’t bring your dog everywhere you go and spend your life covered in dog hair? Well, get with it if you want that truly Alaskan vibe, because we firmly believe in “No Dog Left Behind”. Unless it’s a pit bull, of course.
* An entire generation of children in Anchorage is being raised on Moose’s Tooth pizza and breadsticks. We have had houseguests who ordered pizza to go for their plane flight home. And don’t even get me started on their beer, or the fact that the Moose’s Tooth staff know my husband only as “I.P.A. guy.”
* I once rode to a court hearing in Kotzebue on the back of a four-wheeler in winter. The courthouse itself was a double-wide trailer. That was pretty cool, but even better was watching the sun rise over the iceberg-filled ocean and glimpsing a polar bear.
* Although Anchorage is the largest city in the state, with a population of about 260,000, the downtown business district is maybe ten blocks. We do have a hip district, “SoNo” (shut up, New Yorkers), short for South of Nordstrom, consisting of a couple of blocks on D Street hosting six uber-trendy boutiques. It’ll impress you if you visit. From Butte, Montana, that is.
* No one thinks twice about going to the grocery store in their ski boots/hip waders/climbing harness/full-length mink coat, depending on season. And it goes further than that. Check this: last Friday, before the McCain folks kindly helped Alaskans recognize that subpoena means “piece of paper worth shit” in Latin, this story came out -
Republican efforts to delay the probe until after the Nov. 4 election were thwarted when GOP State Sen. Charlie Huggins, who represents Palin’s hometown of Wasilla, sided with Democrats. “Let’s just get the facts on the table,” said Huggins, who appeared in camouflage pants to vote during a break from moose hunting.
Or maybe he was just trying REALLY REALLY hard not to let anyone see him.
In any case, we find ourselves having come full circle; I guess all roads do lead to moose hunting. Remember to shoot up those pesky signs along the way – oh, and don’t forget to pack your Spam.
